Editor's note: This text-based course is a transcript of the webinar, Stress Over The Holidays, presented by Virginia Spielmann, PhD, OTR/L.
*Please also use the handout with this text course to supplement the material.
Learning Outcomes
- After this course, participants will be able to identify key stressors affecting neurodivergent individuals and their families.
- After this course, participants will be able to recognize the signs of stress and its impact on behavior and communication.
- After this course, participants will be able to list effective strategies and interventions to support emotional regulation in neurodivergent individuals during the holidays.
Introduction
As we approach the holidays, stress becomes an inevitable part of the season. For neurodivergent individuals, this time's unique sensory, cognitive, and emotional demands can amplify challenges. Today, I’ll explore this topic, weaving strategies to support regulation and participation during the holidays.
Reflection
- What is stress?
- How do we relieve it?
- Have you believed differently in the past?
- Where have you learned about stress?
- How and why have your ideas changed?
There are many myths and opinions about stress. As we embark on this discussion, I encourage you to think about how you view stress, your stories about it in your culture, immediate family, and workplace, and what you can identify as we go through this that might be different.
Terms
The handout contains many terms that I won't go over. However, I've provided the definitions so you can refer to them as I speak if there's any confusion. I will leave these as a reference because I want to get straight to the meaty stuff with you today.
Understanding Stress and Its Myths
One thing we need to do when thinking about stress is to consider the good and the bad. Stress is a universal experience, but it’s also deeply personal. Cultural narratives, family dynamics, and individual perspectives shape our understanding of stress. Reflect for a moment: How do you perceive stress? Have your ideas evolved over time? Stress isn’t inherently negative; it’s a natural response with both protective and harmful potential.
Crucially, stress involves the triggering event and the body’s response, known as the stress cycle. While an event may pass, the body’s physiological reaction often lingers, requiring intentional resolution. This distinction between event and cycle underscores why stress management must address the mind and body.
Sensory Health: A Framework for Understanding Stress
At STAR Institute, we view stress through the lens of sensory health—defined as the highest attainable state of neurosensory function. Sensory health bridges mental and physical well-being, shaping how individuals respond to and recover from stress. For neurodivergent individuals, differences in sensory processing often lead to heightened stress responses.
Take vestibular and proprioceptive processing, for example. Impairments in these systems can heighten activation of the sympathetic nervous system, the body’s “fight-or-flight” mechanism. This imbalance complicates self-regulation, making even minor stressors feel overwhelming.
Stress Cycle
One important thing to consider is that the stress cycle differs from the stressful event. When a stressful event occurs, the stress cycle is initiated. The stress cycle is a series of neurophysiological reactions that trigger chemicals in the body. This cascade is triggered when there is a sensory event. The stress chemicals don't go away when the sensory event goes away. They need to be resolved in some way.
I learned this from Robert Sapolsky's book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. Zebras don't get ulcers, and they don't need counseling. They're chill, hanging out with their dudes and chewing the grass on the plains. And then, lionesses chase them within an inch of their life, and they may even get bit. However, when the danger has passed, and they've escaped, they shake it off. They resolve the stress cycle with a natural physiological response that we humans have skipped out on.
We respond to stress very cognitively, and we don't look at the body.
Holiday-Specific Stressors
The holiday season is rich with stressors that can overwhelm even neurotypical individuals. These stressors often fall into three categories: sensory, emotional, and cognitive. Understanding these categories and their impacts can provide insights into how stress manifests and offer strategies for managing it effectively.
Sensory stressors are particularly pervasive during the holidays. Strong smells—like perfume, cigarette smoke, or even the pungent durian fruit—can trigger discomfort for many individuals. Loud environments filled with overlapping conversations or bright, chaotic holiday decorations often amplify sensory overload. For some, even everyday tasks such as attending dental appointments or being confined to a car seat evoke stress through sensory input. These stressors might stem from internal cues, such as interoceptive discomfort signals or external environmental factors.
Emotional stressors during the holidays are equally significant. The season often brings heightened expectations for gift-giving, adhering to family traditions, and social interactions with distant relatives. The pressure to perform socially—hugging an unfamiliar relative or meeting familial expectations—can become overwhelming. Simple tasks, like wearing specific outfits for family gatherings or engaging in rituals, add emotional complexity. Even whimsical holiday traditions, such as imagining a stranger descending the chimney to leave gifts, can stir anxiety in children.
Cognitive stressors present another layer of challenge. The holidays demand multitasking, decision-making, and enhanced memory recall, often at a pace that stretches one’s executive functioning. Cooking multiple dishes simultaneously, answering unexpected phone calls, or fulfilling social obligations requires significant cognitive effort. Children, too, face these demands, such as being asked to recount an event or perform a skill on command. These moments, where there is a "correct" or expected response, can heighten the cognitive load and stress.
Reflecting on these stressors brings me to listening to the body's wisdom. Stress often manifests in physical symptoms, and recognizing these cues is vital. I’ve found relatable examples and visual prompts helpful when educating caregivers about stress. For instance, discussing how smells like bananas or perfume or seemingly mundane events like spilled drinks can evoke stress helps to connect the abstract with lived experiences. Holidays, rich with time pressures, deadlines, and heightened expectations, create a perfect storm of sensory, emotional, and cognitive demands.
Emotional stress during this time is further compounded by family expectations—kissing a relative you rarely see, dressing smartly for gatherings, or being prompted to interact in socially prescribed ways. These interactions are often paired with a sense of obligation, adding another layer of complexity to the season.
Lastly, cognitive stressors push many of us outside our zones of proximal development, where tasks are no longer comfortably within our skill set. This includes balancing many responsibilities, such as preparing meals while managing interruptions and the frequent expectation to "perform" socially or intellectually, particularly for children.
While joyous for many, the holiday season is undeniably rife with stress. By approaching it from a sensory health perspective and acknowledging the interplay between external demands and internal responses, we can better equip caregivers to support themselves and their families. This understanding fosters a compassionate approach to managing stress and navigating the complex dynamics of the holiday season.
"Flipping Your Lid"
One useful way to explain stress and its effects on the brain is through Daniel Siegel's hand model of the brain. While it is a simplified and somewhat reductive framework, it is an excellent starting point for health literacy education. I often find that introducing concepts in accessible ways—while acknowledging their complexity—helps people better understand what’s happening in moments of stress.
Siegel’s hand model represents the brain in a way we can all visualize and carry. When you hold up your hand, the wrist and base of your hand represent the brainstem and lower brain, the areas responsible for fundamental survival functions. Folding your thumb into your palm illustrates the midbrain, where the limbic system—the brain’s emotional center—resides. Wrapping your fingers over your thumb symbolizes the “upstairs brain,” or the prefrontal cortex, which governs logical thinking, reasoning, and executive functions.
Under stress, this system becomes disrupted. The limbic brain—the alarm system—activates, and there’s a disconnect between the logical prefrontal cortex and the emotionally driven midbrain. Siegel refers to this phenomenon as “flipping your lid.” When this happens, the upstairs brain essentially goes offline, making it difficult for someone to access logical thinking, language, or problem-solving skills. This is why expecting someone to be reasonable or articulate is often unrealistic in moments of high stress or dysregulation.
Despite its simplicity, this model effectively demonstrates why calming the nervous system is a prerequisite to engaging higher-order brain functions. For caregivers or educators, understanding this helps shift the focus toward co-regulation—calming the individual’s stress response—before attempting to address the problem logically or verbally. It emphasizes the importance of meeting people where they are emotionally and physiologically, a critical perspective when working with individuals experiencing dysregulation.
ANS Driven Involuntary Action
To better understand stress and its effects, especially in neurodivergent populations, it is essential to examine the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and its imbalances. The ANS comprises the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), which activates the fight-or-flight response, and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which governs rest-and-digest functions. Ideally, these systems work in balance, sharing power to ensure survival and recovery. However, when the SNS is overactivated for prolonged periods, this balance is disrupted, leading to chronic stress states.
In neurodivergent populations, sensory integration differences often predispose individuals to heightened SNS activation. For instance, the vestibular system, which is hardwired to our defense mechanisms, plays a critical role in detecting threats. Its primary job is to ensure survival, and it can trigger alarm responses almost instantaneously, often bypassing logical reasoning. This heightened sensitivity, coupled with proprioceptive and tactile processing differences, can lead to an imbalance in the ANS, creating a state of stress sensitization. In such states, the body becomes primed to detect stress and react with amplified responses, such as fight, flight, freeze, or other self-protective behaviors.
The observable behaviors resulting from this imbalance are often labeled problematic, but they are better understood as survival mechanisms driven by the body’s self-protection instincts. These responses lack intentionality; they are not calculated or deliberate but are deeply rooted in the body’s physiological need to ensure safety. Consequently, reasoning or verbal intervention is ineffective during these moments of heightened activation. The stress cascade can persist even after the stressor has passed, further delaying the individual’s return to equilibrium.
Bruce Perry’s work, particularly his collaboration with Oprah Winfrey in What Happened to You?, sheds light on these dynamics. Perry emphasizes how childhood trauma—and sensory integration differences as a form of trauma—can profoundly impact the autonomic nervous system. His insights underscore the importance of addressing the body’s physiological state before engaging in logic, reasoning, or metacognitive strategies. The body must first feel safe and balanced to support functional participation and psychological well-being.
To help neurodivergent individuals navigate these challenges, we need to go beyond addressing observable behaviors. Instead, we must look below the surface to identify the underlying stressors and mitigate them where possible. Equally important is creating strategies to restore nervous system balance, pacing and dosing stressful events to prevent overwhelm. This approach supports not only functional and occupational participation but also fosters psychological resilience.
By starting with the body—ensuring it feels safe, balanced, and regulated—we lay the groundwork for meaningful progress. Once the nervous system is stabilized, we can begin incorporating language, logic, and cognitive strategies to help individuals better understand and manage their stress responses. Observable behaviors, far from being the problem itself, serve as vital indicators of underlying stress that must be addressed thoughtfully and holistically.
Stress Response
Types of Stress Response
- Fight or Flight
- Freeze
- Fawn
- Tend and Befriend (Shelley Taylor)
As I mentioned earlier, the body has several types of stress responses, each involving distinct neurophysiological processes.
Sympathetic Adreno Medullary (SAM) and Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenocortical (HPA)
To better understand these responses, it helps to examine the two main systems involved: the sympathetic adrenomedullary (SAM) response and the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis.
The SAM response is quick and immediate, activating the adrenal medulla to release epinephrine and norepinephrine. These hormones prepare the body for action by increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and blood glucose levels. Essentially, this system primes the body for rapid responses—whether to flee from danger or stand and confront a threat. It’s a fast-acting mechanism designed to save lives during acute stress.
In contrast, the HPA axis operates on a slightly longer timeline, releasing cortisol and other stress hormones in a cascading chain reaction. This system also focuses on ensuring survival by reallocating the body's resources. It deprioritizes non-essential functions—such as digestion, immune responses, and reproductive processes—to conserve energy for immediate survival. Using an analogy, when the house is on fire, the priority is escaping to safety, not making coffee. The same principle applies here: the body shuts down non-critical processes to focus on the crisis at hand.
While these systems are vital for immediate survival, their prolonged activation poses significant risks. Chronic stress responses can lead to negative outcomes, including cardiovascular strain, metabolic imbalances, and immune suppression. Over time, these effects can severely impact health and well-being. This underscores why it’s crucial to help individuals bring their nervous systems back into balance.
For clients, the goal is to restore a sense of safety and calm within the body, which in turn supports functional participation and wellness. Persistent stress activation disrupts rest-and-digest functions, limiting the body’s ability to heal, recover, and perform optimally. As practitioners, it’s essential to approach stress responses not as matters of reasonableness but as physiological processes that demand respect and care.
Our focus is on helping clients reduce stress activation and facilitating a return to homeostasis. This creates a foundation for function and engagement in meaningful activities. By addressing the underlying stress response, we enable the body to prioritize healing and create an environment where long-term health and participation are possible. As we continue to unpack the impacts of stress, this understanding will remain central to our approach.
Overview of the Types
The body’s stress responses extend beyond the well-known fight-and-flight mechanisms, encompassing freeze, fawn, and tend-and-befriend responses. Each of these responses reflects unique ways the body and mind attempt to navigate perceived threats, with varying levels of agency and functionality. Understanding these responses is crucial, particularly when working with neurodivergent individuals, who may experience these patterns differently or mask them to meet social expectations.
Freeze. The freeze response, often viewed as less functional than fight or flight, represents the body’s last-ditch effort to ensure survival. It involves a shutdown of activity, immobilizing the individual in the face of overwhelming threat. While this response may protect the individual in the moment, it tends to leave lasting impacts, making trauma more difficult to resolve. When freeze becomes a default response, the goal is to help individuals progress to more active stress responses, such as fight or flight, and eventually to adaptive coping strategies. This progression supports the development of healthier, more functional stress management mechanisms.
Fawn. Another response, the fawn response, is characterized by compliance and appeasement. It manifests as excessive agreeableness or solicitous behavior, often driven by a desire to minimize perceived threats. For example, individuals in this state might attempt to become invisible, taking up as little space as possible or trying to be “useful” to avoid drawing negative attention. While this can be misinterpreted as positive or desirable behavior, it is essential to recognize that it stems from a stress response rather than genuine engagement. Supporting individuals to move out of this state requires creating environments where they feel safe to express themselves authentically rather than merely surviving through compliance.
Tend and Befriend. The tend and befriend response offers a different perspective on stress coping. Often associated with evolutionary adaptations for caregiving, this response involves nurturing and supporting others during crises. While initially adaptive, it can become maladaptive when individuals neglect their own needs or fail to process the trauma of the event. For instance, someone in a tend-and-befriend state might act as the “fixer” during emergencies, focusing on others to the exclusion of their own well-being. While this response may elicit oxytocin, which can temporarily attenuate stress, it can exacerbate stress if the social environment becomes hostile or emotionally taxing.
Homeostatic Imbalance/Allostatic Load
The prolonged activation of stress states contributes to allostatic load, the cumulative wear and tear on the body resulting from chronic stress. This state disrupts the delicate balance of key mediators in the autonomic nervous system, often leaving individuals in a persistent fight-or-flight mode.
General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS)
Over time, this imbalance manifests as general adaptation syndrome, a process that moves through stages of alarm, resistance, and, ultimately, exhaustion. While the initial stress response serves a protective purpose, its prolonged presence leads to profound physiological and psychological strain, undermining overall health and well-being.
Recognizing the transformative role of meaningful occupation in promoting health and wellness underscores the importance of addressing stress holistically. Purposeful engagement in activities mitigates stress and supports the nervous system in returning to balance, reducing the cumulative burden of allostatic load. This is especially crucial for neurodivergent individuals, who may face heightened challenges in navigating stress due to societal expectations and the unique ways their bodies and minds respond to stimuli.
Unresolved stress or prolonged exposure to stressors can lead to significant physiological and psychological consequences. The stress response progresses through stages: the resistance stage, characterized by ongoing activation of stress responses, and eventually, the exhaustion stage, where prolonged adaptation to stress depletes the body’s resources. This stage often manifests as burnout, with fatigue, illness, and breakdown of essential systems such as digestion and immune function. For neurodivergent populations, the risk is compounded by the stress of living in a world that often demands masking or camouflaging natural responses to stress.
Masking/Camouflaging
When I reflect on the act of stimming—a common self-regulatory behavior among neurodivergent individuals—I recognize it as an essential and natural way to manage stress. Stimming behaviors, such as rocking, hand-flapping, or repetitive motions, are often discouraged due to societal norms. However, I see these actions as far more than disruptive; they are adaptive, effective tools for closing the stress cycle. Just as animals instinctively shake off stress after a threat, neurodivergent individuals use stimming to process and release their stress. Imagine embracing these behaviors as positive evolutionary adaptations rather than suppressing them. Denying someone the opportunity to engage in such restorative actions only increases their stress and removes a critical mechanism for self-regulation and recovery.
This suppression has a ripple effect. By discouraging stimming, we not only add to an individual’s stress but also obscure visible signs of distress. This makes it harder for caregivers, educators, and healthcare providers to identify and address underlying needs. When we instead encourage natural expressions of stress, such as stimming, we promote nervous system balance and open pathways for improved participation in meaningful activities. Allowing these behaviors supports functional engagement and empowers neurodivergent individuals to navigate their environments authentically and healthily.
To support this, I believe addressing situations that might trigger masking or camouflaging responses proactively is essential. By creating environments where natural expressions of distress are acknowledged and supported, we can help individuals avoid the additional stress of suppressing their responses. Shifting societal perspectives to view behaviors like stimming not as disruptions but as essential tools for managing stress is critical. This approach fosters resilience, authenticity, and overall well-being.
I’ve found that creating safe, inclusive spaces for neurodivergent individuals benefits their health and their sense of autonomy and agency. These individuals need opportunities to embrace their natural coping mechanisms without fear of judgment. Educating caregivers and communities about the detrimental effects of masking and camouflaging is a key step in this process. When individuals feel free to engage in nourishing stimming or other self-soothing behaviors, they experience less stress and a greater sense of authenticity in their interactions.
Understanding neurodivergent experiences also requires recognizing how their stress responses differ from those of neurotypical (or allistic) individuals. I often use a visual representation to illustrate this distinction. For neurotypical individuals, the stress response usually involves an initial reaction to a stressful event, followed by recovery. With repeated exposure to the same stressor, habituation occurs, and the intensity of the response diminishes over time. Recovery becomes quicker, and the individual can return to baseline more easily.
For many neurodivergent individuals, habituation does not occur in the same way. Instead, each stressful event is experienced with the same intensity as the first. Recovery becomes more challenging, and the physiological stress response remains consistent or may even intensify. This creates a cycle of chronic stress and a prolonged inability to return to baseline. This persistent stress cycle defies logical reasoning and cannot simply be resolved through verbal reassurances or directives.
This heightened and unrelenting stress response highlights why we must approach these challenges holistically. Suppressing natural adaptive responses, such as stimming, exacerbates the problem. These behaviors are not just helpful; they are critical for helping the body recover from stress. When we deny individuals the ability to engage in them, we compound their stress and undermine their ability to self-regulate effectively.
By prioritizing environments where individuals feel safe expressing themselves and utilizing their natural coping mechanisms, we create meaningful stress reduction and recovery opportunities. Helping caregivers understand the value of these behaviors and the harm caused by masking or camouflaging. This understanding equips neurodivergent individuals with the tools they need to manage stress in ways that are authentic to them, fostering resilience and promoting long-term health.
In my experience, supporting neurodivergent individuals in this way is transformative—not just for the individuals but also for their families and communities. By embracing their natural ways of coping and prioritizing their well-being, we take significant steps toward creating a society that values diversity in how people manage and adapt to stress.
Managing Stress
To address the challenges of stress effectively, it’s essential to provide practical strategies that empower neurodivergent individuals, their families, and caregivers. Equally important is the reminder to apply these strategies to ourselves first—putting on our own metaphorical oxygen masks. Practicing these approaches enhances our well-being and equips us with relatable experiences to share, making it easier to support and educate others.
A proactive perspective on stress is critical. Families and caregivers benefit from understanding the long-term effects of stress, both on themselves and on neurodivergent individuals who often navigate a world designed more for efficiency and conformity than inclusivity and diversity. This shift in understanding fosters advocacy, self-awareness, and the ability to develop healthy routines and patterns for managing stress. A strong foundation of basic self-care lays the groundwork for this approach.
Hydration is a key element, yet it is often overlooked. Ensuring that individuals stay adequately hydrated can have profound effects on overall well-being, particularly for those with developmental trauma or sensory integration challenges. Keeping water or a similarly tolerable alternative accessible and encouraging regular intake is a simple but powerful strategy. Sleep is another cornerstone. Prioritizing good-quality rest for everyone in the family can involve exploring bedtime routines, sensory-friendly sleep environments, and calming activities to promote relaxation before bed. Nutrition also plays an important role. While not every individual will have access to or be able to consume a balanced diet, ensuring sufficient calorie intake is crucial. For those with sensory-based food preferences, finding tolerable options that meet nutritional needs becomes essential. At the same time, minimizing reliance on stimulants like caffeine and substances such as alcohol and tobacco can help reduce stress and promote overall health.
Sensory health habits should not be underestimated. Developing practices that create sensory-friendly environments, whether through calming activities or safe spaces, can significantly enhance well-being. Recognizing and responding to the body’s needs with care builds a foundation for managing stress effectively.
It is equally important to foster a positive relationship with stress itself. Stress is not inherently harmful; small amounts can sharpen focus and improve performance, a concept illustrated by the Yerkes-Dodson Law. Understanding this can shift the perception of stress from something entirely avoided to something that, when managed wisely, can be constructive. Families and caregivers benefit from this perspective by learning to view stress as an element of life that requires thoughtful management rather than an insurmountable problem.
Building self-awareness is a key step. By helping individuals recognize their stress triggers and early signs of dysregulation, we can guide them toward proactive responses. Advocating for oneself is another essential skill. Supporting clients and caregivers in articulating their needs and preferences allows them to navigate their environments more easily and fosters inclusivity. Establishing predictable and supportive routines provides stability, offering a buffer against the destabilizing effects of stress. Encouraging nourishing coping mechanisms, such as stimming, without shame or judgment creates safe spaces where individuals can regulate and recover in natural and effective ways.
This approach ultimately aims to foster resilience, enabling neurodivergent individuals to navigate challenges with confidence and well-being. By shifting the focus from suppressing stress to managing it through intentional strategies and foundational self-care, we create opportunities for growth, health, and meaningful participation. Supporting families in these efforts reinforces their ability to build environments that not only meet their needs but also celebrate the strengths and individuality of each person. Through these efforts, we foster thriving, inclusive communities where stress is no longer a burden but a manageable part of a balanced and fulfilling life.
Reflect on Coping Strategies
- Ask yourself:
- What is one thing you do to cope with stress?
- What are the good outcomes of this strategy?
- What are the not-so-good outcomes?
- What action will you take going forward?
Here are more reflective questions for you to consider. I want you to think about what you do to cope with stress and the outcomes of this strategy. Is it successful or not? Is it something you should cultivate, or should you perhaps find some more healthy ways to deal with stress instead, like moving your body and going outside rather than opening a second bottle of wine?
We want you to be able to engage in this process so that you can support your caregivers, your families, and your neurodivergent clients. One
Sensory Integration and Processing Differences
When I think about coping, I often use a framework that resembles the person-environment-occupation model. In this perspective, I focus on how supportive environments can significantly mitigate stress. Even when profound differences exist, a supportive environment is transformative in enabling individuals to engage meaningfully in their daily activities. It creates the foundation for pursuing sensory health, developing a sensory-informed lifestyle, and fostering overall wellness. This balance isn’t just theoretical; it’s about creating tangible opportunities for recovery and restorative activities, which are critical for long-term well-being.
I emphasize this concept when working with caregivers and educational teams because it underscores the importance of addressing acute stress effectively. By understanding the interaction between an individual and their environment, we can make purposeful changes that promote regulation, resilience, and participation. These adjustments don’t need to be monumental—sometimes, small, thoughtful shifts in how we approach support can make a significant difference.
Meltdowns
Acute moments of stress, often referred to in everyday language as meltdowns, represent a breakdown in the ability to cope—a decompensation of the nervous system when it becomes overwhelmed. While meltdowns may appear sudden, they are often the culmination of chronic stress gradually depleting the body's resources throughout the day. Regardless of their origin, these moments require immediate, compassionate support that prioritizes recovery over reasoning or problem-solving.
During a meltdown, the primary goal is to help the body recover and regain a sense of felt safety. This concept of felt safety is crucial—it’s not just about creating a safe environment but ensuring that the individual feels secure and supported in that moment. Recovery starts by removing demands wherever possible, offering the individual space without abandoning them. The message to convey is clear and calming: “I’ve got you. I’m here when you’re ready.”
This support is subtle but intentional. Staying nearby ensures the individual knows you’re available without creating additional pressure. It means avoiding physical proximity that might feel intrusive, refraining from eye contact demands, and minimizing verbal interaction. Words should be few and purposeful. Avoid noise unless you know specific sounds help calm the individual and resist the urge to use humor, even if it’s a natural coping mechanism for you. In these moments, humor can easily be misinterpreted as criticism or insensitivity, as the body’s acute stress response temporarily shuts down the ability to process such nuances.
Beyond the immediate support during a meltdown, there are longer-term strategies to help families manage stress and reduce the likelihood of acute episodes. Educating caregivers on how to dose and pace stressors is invaluable. This involves recognizing the signs of mounting stress and strategically managing stressful events to prevent the nervous system from becoming overwhelmed. By spreading out or minimizing high-demand situations, caregivers can help build resilience and conserve the individual’s resources throughout the day.
Finally, it’s important to teach families about the significance of closing the stress cycle. A stress cycle begins with an event that activates the nervous system and ends only when the body signals completion, often through physical or sensory self-regulation. For neurodivergent individuals, allowing natural coping behaviors like stimming or engaging in specific calming activities helps close this cycle. By normalizing these practices and incorporating them into daily life, caregivers can help individuals recover from stress more effectively, reducing the overall strain on the nervous system.
In both acute moments and long-term strategies, the focus remains on understanding and supporting the body’s needs. By fostering a sense of felt safety, pacing stressors, and embracing restorative practices, we can help individuals and their families navigate these challenges with greater ease and confidence.
Spoon Theory
Spoon theory is an incredibly helpful framework for understanding and managing energy, especially for individuals with neurodivergence, disabilities, or chronic conditions. Originating from the chronic disability community, spoon theory uses the metaphor of spoons to represent a finite amount of energy available to a person each day. The concept is simple: each activity, whether getting dressed, cooking, or attending a social event, requires a certain number of spoons. Once those spoons are used up, the individual has no energy left to give.
For those with neurodivergence or co-occurring long-term differences, the daily spoon ration is often smaller, requiring deliberate choices about how to spend it. Overspending spoons—borrowing against tomorrow’s energy—leads to a "spoon overdraft," leaving the individual depleted and starting the next day already in deficit. This illustrates the balancing act I’ve alluded to: managing energy wisely to maintain functionality and well-being.
Spoon theory can be especially valuable for families navigating holidays, vacations, or other high-demand periods. Sitting down as a family to assess each person’s spoon count provides a framework for understanding and balancing needs. For instance, George might have fewer spoons on a busy holiday morning, while Philip might start the day with more. Mom’s energy might fluctuate depending on her responsibilities and stress levels. By mapping out these dynamics, families can proactively plan breaks, quiet time, or other strategies to help everyone recharge their spoons.
Incorporating spoon theory into everyday language can also improve communication and decision-making. Phrases like “I don’t have the spoons for that right now” make it easier to express limits without guilt or frustration. Families using this metaphor fluently can help educate extended family and friends, fostering greater understanding and empathy. This shared language makes it easier to prioritize and make proactive, thoughtful decisions about which activities or events to engage in.
For example, socializing might energize some individuals during the holiday season, particularly allistic or neuro-majority extroverts. However, neurodivergent individuals often recharge in different ways, such as through alone time or low-demand environments. Even those who enjoy being outgoing and gregarious at social events may need solitude afterward to restore their energy. Recognizing these patterns and planning accordingly ensures everyone’s needs are met without unnecessary depletion.
By adopting spoon theory, families gain a practical and compassionate tool to manage energy and prioritize well-being. It’s not about avoiding activities altogether but about being intentional—choosing where and how to spend spoons in ways that support balance and resilience. This proactive approach benefits individuals and strengthens communication and mutual understanding within families and communities.
Social Hangovers
When we consider socializing, it often involves borrowing against future spoons. Understanding this dynamic as we approach the holidays can help us be proactive, fostering functional performance patterns, routines, and habits as a family. Borrowing against future energy, especially when combined with chronic, long-term stress, creates conditions where meltdowns are more likely to occur.
Observers of a meltdown might only see the tip of the iceberg—the observable behavior—and question its proportionality. They may ask, "What caused that?" or conclude that there was no antecedent, perceiving the reaction as unreasonable or random. Statements like, "This child is on a hair trigger," or, "They have meltdowns at random," often stem from this misunderstanding.
However, viewing these behaviors through the lens of stress and energy depletion makes it clear that nothing is random about them. A meltdown manifests a nervous system overwhelmed by prolonged stress and depleted resources. It signals that we’ve spent all our spoons and are now operating in a state of frustration saturation rather than intolerance for frustration.
Recognizing this distinction allows us to approach meltdowns with compassion and a focus on recovery. Instead of seeking a singular "reason" for the behavior, we can acknowledge the cumulative stress and work toward creating opportunities for rest and replenishment. This perspective helps us respond in ways that support the individual and promote long-term resilience.
Frustration Saturation
At the Star Institute, one of the parent education tools we emphasize is helping families understand the role of long-term stress and frustration saturation as underlying causes of meltdowns rather than attributing them to outdated, pathologizing narratives like "unreasonable hair triggers" or "intolerance for frustration." These phrases and labels, like "preference for sameness," often fail to acknowledge the realities of a chronically stressed nervous system.
Considering the context, it becomes clear that a preference for sameness is not a flaw but a reasonable and adaptive response. Predictability and stability would be essential if one’s nervous system were constantly overwhelmed. Regardless of neurodivergence, many of us appreciate predictability in our lives—it provides a sense of control and calm. Yet somehow, this natural inclination has been labeled negatively in neurodivergent individuals. By shifting the narrative and encouraging families to see these behaviors as valid responses to stress rather than pathologies, we can help reduce stigma and further mitigate stress for the individual and their caregivers.
Another proactive approach we teach is the importance of dosing and pacing stress daily. The resources provided detail this concept, including tools for building sensory routines and a self-care sensory bingo for families to explore. One particularly useful strategy is the Red-Green-Blue Sensory Routine, a framework designed to help parents think about arousal levels and how to use sensory activities to optimize and regulate them.
In this model, red activities are alerting and can increase arousal. While these can be helpful, it’s important to use them thoughtfully and understand when appropriate. Green activities are calming and organizing, balancing alertness and recovery. These are particularly useful for maintaining a steady state of regulation throughout the day. Finally, blue activities are restorative, focused on replenishing and nourishing the nervous system after periods of stress or heightened arousal.
This sensory routine is valuable for planning proactively and reflecting retrospectively. For instance, if a red activity was used inappropriately during a stressful time, parents can adjust for the future. Likewise, intentionally incorporating blue activities into daily routines ensures opportunities for recovery and prevents energy depletion.
The goal of these tools is to empower families with practical strategies for supporting their children’s regulation while fostering understanding and compassion. By reframing behaviors and implementing these routines, parents can create environments that promote balance, resilience, and overall well-being.
Low Demand
What we need to focus on is identifying the stressors and stressful events in daily life, minimizing their impact, and building a sense of balance. Families need guidance in choosing their battles, determining what is worth spending their spoons on, and when it’s more important to prioritize recovery. This requires intentional decision-making and, sometimes, the confidence to say, “We’re not going to participate in this part of the event. We’ll be here, caring for what we need, while others engage in that activity.”
Helping families recognize when and how to lower demands is essential. It’s about creating space for recovery, reducing overstimulation, and supporting the body’s ability to reset. Whether it’s opting out of a noisy gathering or finding a quiet corner during a high-demand moment, these choices help preserve energy and prevent depletion. Encouraging families to advocate for their needs in this way empowers them to create environments that support regulation and well-being.
Closing the Stress Cycle
To effectively support families in managing stress, I emphasize teaching them to listen to their bodies and recognize the signs of unresolved stress cycles. Stress isn’t just a fleeting reaction; it’s a physiological process that must be completed. When left unresolved, stress can linger in the body, accumulating over time and contributing to feelings of overwhelm and dysregulation. By tuning into these bodily signals and addressing them proactively, families can identify when recovery is needed and take deliberate steps to support it. This mindfulness of stress and recovery is foundational for cultivating resilience and achieving balance in daily life.
Stress doesn’t necessarily disappear when a situation is logically resolved—whether it’s a workplace conflict or a challenging interaction in daily life. Our bodies often hold onto the physiological effects of stress long after the event has passed. The key question we must ask ourselves is: have we closed the stress cycle? Have we allowed our bodies the chance to recover fully, or are we carrying residual stress that, if left unchecked, can cause long-term harm? Closing the stress cycle is vital for discharging stress hormones and chemicals that otherwise linger and exacerbate the impact of stress over time.
There are proactive ways to close the stress cycle, and one resource I frequently recommend is the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. While the book takes a feminist perspective, its concepts are practical and universally applicable. The accompanying Burnout Workbook provides interactive tools to help individuals understand stress, navigate the stress response cycle, and effectively address why they may feel stuck. These resources offer valuable insights into closing stress cycles and regaining balance.
What works to close the stress cycle varies widely from person to person, so I encourage families to explore methods that resonate with them. In my household, karaoke is a favorite. It’s engaging and fun and aligns with polyvagal theory by involving vocal expression, rhythm, and social connection. For those who prefer more active approaches, we enjoy playing Beat Saber, a virtual reality game that involves rhythmic, bilateral movements to slice blocks of light in time with music. This activity engages the body and involves crossing the midline, which provides neurological benefits.
For my youngest daughter, who joined our family after a time in the foster system, physical expression through smashing objects is her go-to method for closing the stress cycle. We keep recyclable items, a mallet, and safety goggles in the backyard to support her. This practice is consistent with Jean Ayres’ work, highlighting the therapeutic value of active, physical outlets. Sometimes, letting a child smash something is the most effective way to release built-up tension and reset their nervous system.
For others, closing the stress cycle might involve quieter, less physical activities. Deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, or creative outlets like painting or writing can be equally effective. It’s an individualized process that requires patience and a willingness to discover what works best for each person.
Summary
As we conclude this exploration of stress and its proactive management, I hope to leave you with practical tools and insights. The goal is to prevent stress from hijacking us and to take intentional steps to manage it effectively—dosing and pacing stress, confidently saying yes to certain commitments, and recognizing that saying yes often means saying no to others. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions or would like additional resources. My contact information is available here and on the accompanying slide. Thank you for your time and attention.
Exam Poll
1)What is a TRUE statement about the stress cycle?
2)Which is NOT a physiological effect of stress?
3)What is the theory of tend and befriend?
4)What is TRUE about an allostatic state?
5)What is one key strategy for providing support during a meltdown?
Questions and Answers
Why is stress eating problematic, and how can it impact self-regulation?
Stress eating becomes an issue because it responds to stress rather than hunger cues. While it might offer temporary comfort, it anesthetizes the stress response rather than resolving it. This behavior can lead to overeating, binge eating, and an unhealthy relationship with food, as it does not address the underlying stress. Instead, focusing on adaptive ways to resolve stress cycles, such as physical activity or creative outlets, can be more effective in the long term.
How can we prepare children for the holidays and large family gatherings, particularly when dealing with skeptical or judgmental relatives?
A helpful strategy is introducing families to spoon theory, which frames energy management in an accessible way. While skepticism from others is common, Amanda Diekman’s book Low Demand Parenting provides practical scripts for responding to naysayers. For casual observers, a simple response like, “This is what works for us,” can suffice. For closer relationships, the book offers more detailed approaches to explaining the family’s needs. These resources help families navigate challenging social dynamics and advocate effectively for their children.
What resources are available for addressing low-demand parenting and stress during the holidays?
Amanda Diekman’s Low Demand Parenting is a highly recommended resource. It offers insights into managing expectations and preparing for stressful situations like holidays. The book includes practical scripts for handling skeptics and helpful strategies for reducing demands on both children and parents, creating a more supportive and manageable environment during busy times.
References
Please refer to the additional handout.
Citation
Spielmann, V. (2025). Stress over the holidays. OccupationalTherapy.com, Article 5766. Available at www.occupationaltherapy.com
